I am not, nor have I ever been, a “chef”. I never was that cool, or even that good at cooking. I’ve never done any of the logistical bullshit that comes with the title. In fact, the only time you would have seen me in the manager’s office is when I would comb through the first aid cabinet looking for every last ibuprofen to stave off the pain of my deteriorating lower back muscles.

I was a cook. A line cook. The type of caffeine addicted freak constantly smelling of hamburger and American Spirit. I’ve never done anything terribly creative with food, or even written my own recipe. To this day I still freak out when people hold up a root vegetable and ask, “what’s a good way to cook this?”

I have no fucking clue, dude. Salt? Pepper maybe?

Despite my status as a hack and fraud, people constantly turn to me for opinions, recommendations, and sadly, recipes. I got so tired of fielding the “what’s good in San Antonio?” question, I decided to put my list of personal favorite spots on this beater-ass website. Now, every time that soul-sapping hey-I’ll-be-in-town-next-week text comes through, I send them the link, put my phone in airplane mode, and kick back. This list has everything from burgers to Asian-fusion. If you can’t figure dinner out with these suggestions, you’re probably a joyless prick. A fact that your friends and family are too polite to bring up in front of you.

Choose your own adventure